Once,my Indonesian Boy..

Once I thought love seems way better than my dreams..

now my dreams are way better than your love..

Moving on now..Its MY time now..

If I were to put it in words..
how my relationship with the person I fall in love with for the last 2 yrs right now..
It is like having cancer, stage four.. facing a slow & painful death..
You know its gonna die really soon but instead of spending money and effort to save it.. the heart is too bitter and drained to even try saving it.. So why not just suffocate yourself with the hospital pillow, cut the oxygen line, turn on the turniqout..I don't even pray for it to be salvaged because I think its enough of me being taken for granted..

I wonder,why must I be forced to have the same opinions tomorrow as I have today?
I never regret falling in love in such wicked and unbelievable way..
I know a model might sometimes help us to avoid repeating the stupid mistakes others have made,
but more often than not, it becomesa prison that makes us repeat what everyone else have always done.
And I saying it again, I made a choice, I stick through it but end up getting hurt.. really bad..
But thats MY choice, be it good or bad, I've learnt from it.
And I swear it now, I'm not REPEATING it..

Sometimes I wonder if he really gave this love a chance?
If he actually put his heart and really want this to work this time round? And everything we do are based on our own choices.. and I guess when he actually thinks that helping an ex-gf(left him for someone else years ago), now having her life ruined with the all the negative influences that she put upon herself
According to him, she needs help(right..'help' my ASS)and I let him help if its just helping
his friend get on correct path.. now on my side, it was a wrong path i took.. Then he thinks its fine having my sadness in exchange of her sadness.. KNNCCB! And what's the big deal with her smoking marijuana, its not even an addictive drug.. going to clubs, out of school, smoking ciggies,its her freaking lungs that will be all blacken, her lips turning blue, teeth staining...its all her choice! Come on my lady, if you seek attention, try another plan.. maybe have your countless 360degrees angle camwhore moments of your face for every picture in your friendster all "Sad face" rather than act cute face, maybe he'll really know you're very very sad and disturbed.. Wait, you are already disturbed but still not very 'creative'! This are all like typical indonesian drama and all this are to me just excuses for the lack of guts he has and lack of self pride she has...
The next time you leave someone my dear lady, have an airtight alibi if you want him back...come up with better script and hopefully try it on a different cast..Omg, I sound like a jealous sour grape man, but of course I am, I put in too much effort all these while to keep this togetherand the one that is enjoying the harvest is someone with great acting... another KNNCCB!

Like I said, sympathy to love will be his downfall
Like I said it once, said it before, its all about choice
And for him, he made a BAD one..

And that day I went to bed realizing that... sometimes I tried,tried hard enough and kept the faith but this ending journey is just too sad for me to let it go... I should never longed for you no matter how hard it gets,it annoys me, you not man enough to tell me that I wasn't the one..And if you could have told me what you really felt, I could put my feelings to someone else rather than think that it was all about you and me
And no surprise, I still can't put my finger to what keeps my heart holding on to you..

The more I was in Nias, the more I feel that there were so much more important things in life than falling in love..Even if it means sacrificing this relationship, a relationship I adored and cared in so many ways
But now,we realize we now have different priorities and goals..Deep down, i need someone who pushes me, encourages me, support me for my dreams,proud of me, assures me that he is always faithful, keep my heart racing whenever he calls like he used to..The one who worries about me,nags at me but still know I can take care of myself..The one who teases me but ensures me that how tanned i'll be, how many cuts and bruises from falling off motorbikes,that he will always be there for me and say he is willing to wait...
He was once like that.. and of course, the keyword here is "was"

Will the amount of hate be more than the amount of hope i once have, so as to forget him?
Will efforts in future for someone else be not as sincere because of the first bad experience?
What is good enough for you?
Will sorry even make anyone feel better?
Will this dragging me down with self doubt be the most selfish you did?
All this are questions i want it to be left unanswered..so, nobody talks to me about love anymore..
love journey will always bring us somewhere.. for mine.. a stronger, wiser me..
i wish sometimes I could be every little thing he wanted..
Because nothing beats first love..though it didnt work out as planned
It all ends now for me... for good...
*plays* I don't need a man by pussycat dolls.. lol..