Shucks

I don't want to sound like im complaining right now or like a confused child but I'm gonna throw all the shit that is in my head for these past few weeks of somewhat a mixture of annoyance, insecurity & my tolerance level is damn freaking low. I hate feeling this way or even behaving with so much negative attitudes in me.
Maybe the correct word is, feeling jaded.

Sometimes I feel angry at myself for putting myself in an overwhelmed position with all the work. However, I do like the whole adrenaline and rush in my day, or else I feel unproductive and a lazy human being on earth. But I tend to forget that I am no "wonder-woman" who can carry all this weight on my shoulders. ITFA is around the corner and rehearsels are starting next week, Dior has fixed the date of my working days which I will fit in after classes and weekend, Nias website content is soon due to be edited,Squid is giving me a whole load of headache,Advertising creative brief is due in 2 days and I accepted another job to market exotic items to interior designers/art enthusiasts for this lady. Yes, work will eventually gain returns in terms of cash and efforts in schoolwork will show in the grades but right now I feel that I am at my saturation point, hoping not to breakdown anytime before work due. Well, to be honest, I feel I am on a verge of a breakdown right now. Breathe ferina Breathe..

I hate to complain or sound regretful for things I am doing because I ain't that sort. If I decide to do it, then do it good or else don't do it at all. But looking back at all the busy yet lonely days, non-stop rush and indigestion with bad timing with meals, what is it at this point of my life i am chasing and trying to accomplish.
I reach home earliest midnight when I am out of the house latest at 8am every morning? I am left with 2 months before I leave and why am I doing all these when I should be spending more time with the family and close friends? I barely see my mom and I wake up shouting to my sister, scolding her for switching on the radio so loudly in the morning when I am trying to get sleep. Yeah Ferina, thats so not cool :(

I had a chat with a friend just now and its so unexpected that we can handshake on the things we both going through. The situation is so similar and the confusion that we both face deserves another handshake too. The decisions I am making will hurt, my selfish rationale right now could be the reason of my regret in future. I am sorry but the "what ifs" in my head will always question my answers. In fact, it influence greatly. Looking back, I am just turning 20, as much as I love this commitment, I dislike the idea of being tied down and my decisions usually involves a few minutes of having you in the picture. I want to be free, I love being free. Theres so many things I am driven to do.. I want to see the world, I want to open up my options. I hate people who waits for me.. I hate people who cares so much for me to even wait for me. I hate it when I end up knowing it will just be a disappointment I am giving them in the end. I'm sorry for being such a selfish person and thanks for reminding that I will regret this one day because I can never find someone who cares for me this much. I feel guilty for being half-hearted in doing things now. I'm sorry everytime you say those words, I reply it to soothe the ears when I don't mean it as much as I used to.

I think so hard on things, again and again that I get headache and forget the whole reasoning I did on those thoughts before the headache and now I have to rethink hard again and the headache will come again. You must be getting a headache reading it now?